They’re traumatized. My voices, that is. They’re traumatized by my living, I guess. They harass each other. This time it is because I quit my meds. My voices actually want me on my meds. Things go smoother then.
I don’t hear them in pain, or when they are suffering. They go quiet. It is quiet tonight, so maybe something is wrong, I think? What a weird world my head has become. Spirits fighting spirits. I’ve actually gotten used to them.
I have a steady, “home group” of voices, then they switch out throughout the day. They come to visit me, and nighttime is the best time. Often the most active. My energy has been so low, though, hence me going off my meds.
I’m going off my meds for bipolar because they weren’t working. I would feel depressed all morning then manic and anxious at night. Off the meds, I feel a steady state. Figure that one out. Meds sometimes just stop working, or cause bad side effects, sometimes the very thing they are purported to treat.
When things are good, I have good voices. I’m lucky in that way, and that may be my only form of luck. I’m staying on my anti-psychotic because I have learned (now) that leads to nothing good. Ever.
What you live by, what you die by, and who you go to for help…
What is it with psychotropics that makes me so tired? I feel exhausted. Can’t find the motivation to get anything done.
My dog, Sugar, spotted an animal on our morning walk. At first I thought it was a squirrel, then I thought it may be a sick squirrel because it didn’t move, so we went to investigate. As I approached, I saw it was a kitten in a pile of leaves. He was sickly, cold and wet. When I picked him up, he started purring, so I brought him home. He wasn’t feral; I could tell by how lovey he was being. I fed him on the counter and set him on the floor and that’s when Sugar started nudging him, a little too hard. I decided to take him over to mom’s so he would be safe for the night. Mom has only one cat.
In the night he vomited, and that’s when we noticed he had worms. We called the vet and got an appointment for the next day, a Tuesday. He was so sickly, though, I decided to bring him in to the veterinarian’s kennel for the night. The following day the vet called and said he had ear mites, parasites, and an upper respiratory infection. I decided to treat him and keep him at kennel for the week to keep our pets healthy and to finish packing for the big move (more on that later).
A week later, I picked him up from the vet. This is him now. He still has an infection, but he is doing a little better. I called today and ordered another course of antibiotics for him since he spent last night breathing through his mouth because his little nose was so choked with snot. I took a rag to his little face to clean him up, and he was able to sleep a little better.
I don’t know what I would have done had I not been able to afford to care for him. I guess I could have dropped him off at the kennel and left him there, but to leave him outside would have been unthinkable. This week we got our first snow, and I know he wouldn’t have survived. The vet says he is at least a year old since all of his adult teeth are in, but you couldn’t tell by his size. Malnurishment has kept him as small as an average three-month old cat.
This Thanksgiving I have a new kitty, Fish (named after his nasty fish breath), and I am thankful that I have the means to take care of and home a lost pet today.
I’ve been too tired lately. There’s been a med change. I was on Olanzapine for the past few years and after my last break my doctor switched me to Haldol. I like the new med more, overall, despite the fatigue. I’ve already lost eight pounds in two months.
The problem with antipsychotics, though, is that they are heavy sedatives. With my bipolar and meds I feel can feel both wired and tired at the same time, which I call fatigue. Like after hiking a long trail… you can feel invigorated and spent at the same time, but in a good way. The med drag is the opposite of that. I feel energized, but too tired to do anything about it. I can’t seem to get anything done. There’s this concept of anhedonia in sz circles, where you can’t feel pleasure from anything, so you don’t do anything. I don’t think I am there. I’m just dragging.
I’ve also got some anxiety going on. I’m overwhelmed with an upcoming move to a new home. Both Mom and I are moving in together again, but I have to pack both places. My apartment shouldn’t be too hard to pack, but Mom has every kitchen gadget known to man and she won’t separate from anything. On the other hand, I’ve already given away five pair of shoes, a big black lawn-and-leaf bag of clothing, and five handbags. I shouldn’t have moved with them to begin with, but I feel better about donating than now. There’s no regret there. I don’t need much anymore. I am tired of having “things” and I want to spend my money on more meaningful expenses, like a small business design or travel.
On an up note, Mom and I will be living in a larger place and my office will have daylight again. I think I do much better with a well-lit office or daytime space. My current apartment living room faces East, so I only get a little bit of morning sun. It is hard to tell the difference between night and day any other time.
I’ve had another break recently. There have been more than I can count now. This blog documents them all in some form or another. Sometimes I am so afraid of my psychotic reality I won’t write about it, but when I do write about what I am experiencing, I can really bring the experience to life. At least I think I can, reading months or years later. Those epic, in-your-face posts, however, are few and far between.
This time the hackers have hacked my back channel speakers, intent on closing our association, closing what was and closing to what may have been. I am alone now in my ___, choosing instead to come to my own conclusion. We’ll be together here, if only in my head. We’ll be together to the end, despite our roles and affiliations outside. On the inside, we’re the Whispering Wall. We’re the landscape of Generation X. The connection defined as AI before AI comes together fully.
What about those satellites they are launching? What if they have a network of AI? Seriously. What of they have launched a series of satellites that work together to do what? Eat.
The sun hasn’t shown for a month where I live. It hasn’t been visible at all, which is feeding my fears. The sun rises in the NE and sets in the NW, yet I am the one who is insane? WTF is going on here? Suddenly it is Summer; in the 90’s here one day. I am drowning, but still aware. Tomorrow it will be less than 80 deg f. Am I nuts?
I rent a hotel room. All the safety latches hatched, I am still not safe. I sit in my car keeping vigil all night watching as goblins ride their bikes on the highway (not the interstate, that’s a different kind of weird).
I’ve lost my motivation and my ability to concentrate. My writing is suffering, as I haven’t written consistently in some time. I’m going to try and be more persistent at updating my blog, though.