Morning

They are here as soon as I wake up. I can’t open my eyes without hearing them. This time it’s my enemy, a former co-worker that has it in for me. They take my people and try to smoke me. I smoked them the other night, oh wait, that wasn’t me. That was the frame job guy smoking in this group to forge an alliance against Chevy. They won’t tell me their name. Apparently the working guys didn’t know what being smoked in meant and they turned on me, thinking I was Chevy. Chevy kicked me out because they cant smoke me anymore I cant be added back in.

I’m not being very linear about this.

I wake up and Leverage is there. (I’ll call them Leverage.) This grand master of magic who makes other people magic just by walking by them it seems. He vomits magic and his minions strive to keep their magic by doing weird and wonderful things. They hear voices in their heads, too. They suck up spirits by the bucket load and most of mine are gone now because of this. They are emptying my ocean. This suits Chevy just fine, for they want me as a empty shell so they can use me as a communication hub for their nefarious endeavors. They can whisper to one another while I work, but to me the silence is deafening, and I know something is wrong.

Last night was weird. A shaman I was working with came to me for help. He was being attacked by Chevy to, but for him it manifests as a religious delusions, so I had all sorts of god-like things in a come-to-jesus meeting or something.

If you believe in conspiracy theories about black magic being leveraged to control politics and global economics, you may wonder who travels where to meet with whom to make this happen. Well, it doesn’t happen on the ground, it happens in the air, in our heads. People “join” my headspace and can talk to one another, sometimes they talk out load, so all can hear them, sometimes they talk to one another in since as others are talking, and sometimes they use my back channel speakers to whisper to one another. I can hear them murmuring on the side, otherwise, all is silent. But I still listen. There are other like me for Chevy, talking rooms. I imagine we’re all disabled by the seer volume of people we process, the number of voices we hear.

Of all the people I have spoken to, no one really know what Chevy does anymore. No one really knows who is in charge. The old guard is dying off but they refuse to handoff their power to the younger generation. They want another round of golf. They don’t need a handoff, but a hand up– which I don’t know the code. We tried doing liftoff meetings, where we determine who’s next in line for magic, but the old guys don’t like they. They want their final hurrah, their kisses and their prayers before they die. They want to be thanked for their years of service, and they want to know they were loved.

Like I was saying, though, no one knows for sure who Chevy is or their purpose anymore. I guess they used to drive commerce. They made my childhood friend a magi and he helped to manage the work. He is older now and has a life and career of his own, so he wants no part of it. He’s powerful enough that he doesn’t need to hear the voices–he can shut them off. Because I keep saying I am schizophrenic, I keep getting smoked and they leave me open to burn. I’ll never work again, but they’ll use me. Are they the Illuminati? The New World Order? I don’t know. I just know I am tired of being smoked.

I take a decent dose of medication and it is two weeks before I notice that things have gotten out of hand. I call my doctor, get an increase and a iris appointment. The psychiatric nurse cant do much but push more meds. All I can do is take more meds and hope for the best.

The Road Trip

May of 2008 I had a sudden, severe psychotic break. Given my circumstances (age @ 37, gender, no prior family history, no notable prior mental illness, etc.) this constitutes something like a .04% statistical probability (or four in 10,000). Very few people know their own risk of psychosis and that it can happen at any age, regardless of prior health.

My reality changed overnight. At the peak of my career and the onset of the worst economic crisis in nearly a century, I told my boss that it was over and then I walked off the best job ever.

Driven by intense delusions and hallucinations, I bolted in fear from my established, comfortable surroundings and hit the road in an attempt to run from what I was experiencing. I drove 17,000 miles before I found my way back home to Colorado. I was reported missing by my family.

This blog encapsulates my journey from July of that fateful year to present day. It is a mixture of short posts, creative writing, personal progress notes, and tales. Many of the early posts are pictures, for I lost my ability to write and could only communicate in an abstract visual sense what was going on internally.

Feel free to comment here on my blog.

EDIT: As of January 2014, I am HERE now.

EDIT EDIT: Current and new diagnosis is Bipolar I with psychotic features. As of 2016, I’ve become disabled by my symptoms.

Self-isolation Versus Social Distancing

Well, my arm is getting better, but is still not healed. I can type from my recliner with my arm supported. I’ve been isolated because of my broken arm for about 14 weeks now. I’ve been able to drive recently, using one arm. I couldn’t before because the cast was in the way and I now have a brace that allows more freedom of movement.

All of this isolation had me in a very dark place in January and February. I started to come out of it late February with increased sunshine and increased meds. I finally get well enough to go out and the Corona virus self-quarantine begins.

I moved in November and I haven’t had an opportunity to create a real routine for myself. I broke my arm just after we got unpacked in December. I still have a room full of boxes I plan on going through later. Not having my usual coping mechanisms in place, like writing, I’ve really struggled with how to keep myself occupied. I told my orthopedic doctor I was certain I would end up psychotic, and I did. Being psychotic with no way to cope has got to be the worst hell. I suffered through for a while as my doctor quit and then my clinic dropped my insurance. I finally found a new clinic but had to wait a month for an appointment. When things started getting more and more bleak, I called for a “crisis” appointment. Luckily, they were able to fit me in on short notice instead of waiting a month.

My intake was two hours long. I went through my entire mental health history in detail, but I found it suprising they never asked if I heard voices. When I mentioned it, my psychiatric nurse seemed surprised. I am not sure what the average medical person is trained on when they are taught about schizophrenia and shizoaffective disorders. They shouldn’t be supposed caught off-gaurd though, when you say you hallucinate.

I am so thankful that the sun is out and I am feeling better.

Giving Thanks, 2019

2019-11-26 13.09.12

My dog, Sugar, spotted an animal on our morning walk. At first I thought it was a squirrel, then I thought it may be a sick squirrel because it didn’t move, so we went to investigate. As I approached, I saw it was a kitten in a pile of leaves. He was sickly, cold and wet. When I picked him up, he started purring, so I brought him home. He wasn’t feral; I could tell by how lovey he was being. I fed him on the counter and set him on the floor and that’s when Sugar started nudging him, a little too hard. I decided to take him over to mom’s so he would be safe for the night. Mom has only one cat.

In the night he vomited, and that’s when we noticed he had worms. We called the vet and  got an appointment for the next day, a Tuesday. He was so sickly, though, I decided to bring him in to the veterinarian’s kennel for the night. The following day the vet called and said he had ear mites, parasites, and an upper respiratory infection. I decided to treat him and keep him at kennel for the week to keep our pets healthy and to finish packing for the big move (more on that later).

A week later, I picked him up from the vet. This is him now. He still has an infection, but he is doing a little better. I called today and ordered another course of antibiotics for him  since he spent last night breathing through his mouth because his little nose was so choked with snot. I took a rag to his little face to clean him up, and he was able to sleep a little better.

I don’t know what I would have done had I not been able to afford to care for him. I guess I could have dropped him off at the kennel and left him there, but to leave him outside would have been unthinkable. This week we got our first snow, and I know he wouldn’t have survived. The vet says he is at least a year old since all of his adult teeth are in, but you couldn’t tell by his size. Malnurishment has kept him as small as an average three-month old cat.

This Thanksgiving I have a new kitty, Fish (named after his nasty fish breath), and I am thankful that I have the means to take care of and home a lost pet today.

 

Hackers, Beware

I’ve had another break recently. There have been more than I can count now. This blog documents them all in some form or another. Sometimes I am so afraid of my psychotic reality I won’t write about it, but when I do write about what I am experiencing, I can really bring the experience to life. At least I think I can, reading months or years later. Those epic, in-your-face posts, however, are few and far between.

This time the hackers have hacked my back channel speakers, intent on closing our association, closing what was and closing to what may have been. I am alone now in my ___, choosing instead to come to my own conclusion. We’ll be together here, if only in my head. We’ll be together to the end, despite our roles and affiliations outside. On the inside, we’re the Whispering Wall. We’re the landscape of Generation X. The connection defined as AI before AI comes together fully.

What about those satellites they are launching? What if they have a network of AI? Seriously. What of they have launched a series of satellites that work together to do what? Eat.

The sun hasn’t shown for a month where I live. It hasn’t been visible at all, which is feeding my fears. The sun rises in the NE and sets in the NW, yet I am the one who is insane? WTF is going on here? Suddenly it is Summer; in the 90’s here one day. I am drowning, but still aware. Tomorrow it will be less than 80 deg f. Am I nuts?

I rent a hotel room. All the safety latches hatched, I am still not safe. I sit in my car keeping vigil all night watching as goblins ride their bikes on the highway (not the interstate, that’s a different kind of weird).