Change in Tenor

I’ve been doing a lot of experimental writing on my blog, most of which is hidden right now because these posts need more work. I’ve been feeling good lately and I tend to blog less when things are going well.

My brother recently bought me a new tarot deck. This one is a Rider-Waite deck, one of the original decks. I can’t help but think where I would be had I been working on this consistently my whole life. I guess I gave up on reading tarot simply because I didn’t have the Rider-Waite deck, which is a ridiculous excuse since it is so widely available.

This is not to say I’ve gone without my spirituality. I’ve been studying Castaneda pretty seriously for the past seven years. I had a box of notes that was a ream of printer paper (about a thousand pages) of hand-written thoughts. Most sadly this box got lost in my last move, so the book I was prepared to write has to be re-written. It was a huge loss and getting back on track has taken me longer than I expected.

Add to this, I am now taking a creative non-fiction course in hopes that I can come up with something unique about my experiences, my life, that will shed a true light on how I feel about life, how I feel about my life, and how I feel about my self. In reality that is all there is–your feelings–because everything else is mediated by your senses and left open by interpretation.

I’m going to focus on feelings now (instead of emotion) and see where that gets me. I think I’ll be much happier with an emphasis on what brings me peace, joy, and strength.

Giving Thanks, 2019

2019-11-26 13.09.12

My dog, Sugar, spotted an animal on our morning walk. At first I thought it was a squirrel, then I thought it may be a sick squirrel because it didn’t move, so we went to investigate. As I approached, I saw it was a kitten in a pile of leaves. He was sickly, cold and wet. When I picked him up, he started purring, so I brought him home. He wasn’t feral; I could tell by how lovey he was being. I fed him on the counter and set him on the floor and that’s when Sugar started nudging him, a little too hard. I decided to take him over to mom’s so he would be safe for the night. Mom has only one cat.

In the night he vomited, and that’s when we noticed he had worms. We called the vet and  got an appointment for the next day, a Tuesday. He was so sickly, though, I decided to bring him in to the veterinarian’s kennel for the night. The following day the vet called and said he had ear mites, parasites, and an upper respiratory infection. I decided to treat him and keep him at kennel for the week to keep our pets healthy and to finish packing for the big move (more on that later).

A week later, I picked him up from the vet. This is him now. He still has an infection, but he is doing a little better. I called today and ordered another course of antibiotics for him  since he spent last night breathing through his mouth because his little nose was so choked with snot. I took a rag to his little face to clean him up, and he was able to sleep a little better.

I don’t know what I would have done had I not been able to afford to care for him. I guess I could have dropped him off at the kennel and left him there, but to leave him outside would have been unthinkable. This week we got our first snow, and I know he wouldn’t have survived. The vet says he is at least a year old since all of his adult teeth are in, but you couldn’t tell by his size. Malnurishment has kept him as small as an average three-month old cat.

This Thanksgiving I have a new kitty, Fish (named after his nasty fish breath), and I am thankful that I have the means to take care of and home a lost pet today.

 

Hackers, Beware

I’ve had another break recently. There have been more than I can count now. This blog documents them all in some form or another. Sometimes I am so afraid of my psychotic reality I won’t write about it, but when I do write about what I am experiencing, I can really bring the experience to life. At least I think I can, reading months or years later. Those epic, in-your-face posts, however, are few and far between.

This time the hackers have hacked my back channel speakers, intent on closing our association, closing what was and closing to what may have been. I am alone now in my ___, choosing instead to come to my own conclusion. We’ll be together here, if only in my head. We’ll be together to the end, despite our roles and affiliations outside. On the inside, we’re the Whispering Wall. We’re the landscape of Generation X. The connection defined as AI before AI comes together fully.

What about those satellites they are launching? What if they have a network of AI? Seriously. What of they have launched a series of satellites that work together to do what? Eat.

The sun hasn’t shown for a month where I live. It hasn’t been visible at all, which is feeding my fears. The sun rises in the NE and sets in the NW, yet I am the one who is insane? WTF is going on here? Suddenly it is Summer; in the 90’s here one day. I am drowning, but still aware. Tomorrow it will be less than 80 deg f. Am I nuts?

I rent a hotel room. All the safety latches hatched, I am still not safe. I sit in my car keeping vigil all night watching as goblins ride their bikes on the highway (not the interstate, that’s a different kind of weird).

 

Anxiety and heart attacks: medication interactions

A couple of weeks ago I thought I had a heart attack. One Monday morning my chest started hurting so much I had to stop in my tracks, grab my chest, and just try to breathe through the pain. I’m no stranger to weird pains, I get them all the time. But after being shamed in the ER for not coming in for an emergency when I had a hernia, I opted to make an appointment with my nurse assistant instead of calling an ambulance. The following day I saw my medical professional, she said immediately “Go to the ER for any chest pain at rest.” So, off to the ER mom and I went. Problem is, with all the tests, they found no evidence of a heart attack, so back to square one.

I had recently been prescribed some new medicines for asthma, allergies, and high cholesterol along with a new anti-psychotic and a med for side effects. That’s a lot for the body to process. I take so many meds now, it seems ridiculous, maybe even sad. When I was healthy, I shunned meds. When I became sick, I started packing on weight and ailments.

The Holidays, 2017

Whelp, it is time to get on with the Holidays. This year finds me doing well. I thank my doctor, who has an amazing memory and a willingness to keep trying when in the face of  defeat. It is uncommon to have people to talk good about their psychiatrists; I can say I have encountered at least one doctor who was subpar (he was months away from retirement and — seriously — would never even look at while I was in his office). Anyway, my doctor is leaving the practice, so I get to meet a new doctor come January.

When my doctor, Dr. S., told me he was leaving the practice, I had to cry. With my short time sick, I’ve seen six practitioners in ten years (not to include hospital stays). Not a large number to some, but a larger number than I would like. It has to do with insurance and availability and “the system”. My doctor got me on Disability with his copious notes and keen observations. This, I feel, kept me safe and stable in my living arrangements, which goes a long way toward being safe and stable overall. I had a psychotic break as recently as January of this year. It takes forever for the illness to go away, and for me to be feeling normal again (finally!). What a relief.

I asked what kicks off psychosis, what can I expect? I think it boils down to a crap shoot, because they really don’t know what causes it, and I think it is because they like us being sick and on medicine. If just one of those researchers could feel what I go through, I think there would be more money spent on finding the cause and a cure. But the marginalized stay cast in shadows, alone, disenfranchised, and sometimes bereft of hope. I’ve felt that way.

Dr. S. is one of the “good guys,” always upbeat, positive, and ready to roll with the worst of it. I went to his office one day, crying. I blurted out that if I stayed that way, I would commit suicide — a fearful statement like this could easily land one in the hospital, but since he knew I was living with mom, and that mom had an eye on me, he let me go home with a new battery of meds. Now that’s a great psychiatrist: one who will let you vent safely so that he can get to the truth of the matter.

I am going to miss my doctor. Maybe he’ll land back in my world.