I drove to Omaha this week, last weekend, and that was weird in and of itself. I am driving again. Good in one way. I can handle the car. Bad in another. I am losing my mind again.
I was convinced by my ‘dad’ (a voice in my head that identified itself as my dad) that I should leave everything (and I mean everything) behind and leave mom. Move so I can set up shop in Denver again. By ‘setting up shop’ I mean ‘start over from scratch’ with only a change of clothes with me. I stopped in Omaha and I was able to find a pharmacy and get my meds so I didn’t skip a dose, but upping my meds is not working yet.
I got stranded in a snow storm in Omaha and spent two nights just talking to voices. This time the discussion was all about how to help me help myself. I can hep myself by doing nothing, however. Nothing but listen.
I am desperate. I am going to fail class if I cant keep up. I cant afford to fail class and I really really want to learn what I am studying. That’s the outside view. That’s the observable behavior.
SO, the headspace.
Gone are the sorcerers who read my mind. Gone are the human traffickers who threaten to find me. Gone are the spirits who usually keep me company. Here are the average guys, guys like me who have little or no hope, diluted insight, intense opinions and nothing to offer but camaraderie. That’s night. Early morning is quiet, though I am too shell-shocked to get much done. I clean and run errands in the morning and in the afternoon I try to study (which isn’t working). Afternoon seems to be the worst. I get no help, I get no sympathy. I cant even nap when I am exhausted.
They are at me day and night, these voices. They tell me horror stories of men dying too young, men dying of fright, men dying by their own hand because they couldn’t solve the riddle of the man in middle. I’m lifting off again, supported by aliens and the only thing that keeps me grounded is the need for the future to be better. I keep trying hard to stay grounded. This is a real struggle.