I’ve been trying to get myself into a routine, one that I can follow daily, to feel as though I have covered all the bases and perhaps even made some progress. No wait, that last part is missing. I haven’t been tracking my progress on anything.
Wake up. Walk dogs. Drink coffee, smoke. Take a long walk with the dog. After that the schedule slips and each day it changes. Run errands may come next. Sometimes it is Make Dr. appointment. Whatever happens next, however, is sure to throw me off kilter. I get caught up in hearing. I get side-tracked by taking care of myself: Shower. Eat. I have a lot of time on my hands, so I decided this past Friday to exercise and take a five-mile walk to and from the park. I wasn’t physically ready for that and I ended up limping the last quarter-mile home; with a Charlie Horse in the calf, I’m out of commission for a nearly a week. Back off track. No routine, no schedule.
With too much time on my hands and nothing to interest me, I decided to alter my routine another way and get really high while I talked to voices before I went to bed. I don’t usually get high, but I had a small bud in the canister and it was enough for me to feel altered and relaxed enough to sit for a long time and have a chat. Mind you, I listen all the time, and I can’t help but hearing, but I had a special invitation from a manly spirit to get some spiritual business done. I stayed up until 3 am and all I remember are my two commitments to quit smoking: one by the end of this week, and another within three months. I don’t think either will happen.
Little spirits, I love you I love you
This morning, late morning, I decided to take myself out and get away from the house. On my way is my old place of employ, and I reminisced about the days when I used to work. Burger and fries later, I found myself at Bed Bath & Beyond shopping for some needed items, but I was too impatient for the broken register system to be fixed in order to check out. Leaving everything behind, I decided I can shop later. I have time, a lot of it. Being productive at work AND living a life — you realize how much extra time you have when you get a long weekend. It isn’t like that now for me. Being off work for nearly three years, and it seems I have no time for anything while having all the time in the world. I can’t even get my daily walk in. Its frustrating, but I guess that’s why I am on disability to begin with.
Write just before Go to bed. It is me trying to lay stake and claim the last bastion of hope for my sanity and self. Maybe I can make a schedule around my lingering dreams, my goals. Maybe I can tick off tasks and track my progress on something bigger than my day to day worries and troubles.