I am Learning to Feel

A bout of delusion has left me feeling tired, exhausted from all the hallucinated stimulation. I feel spiritually, as well as mentally, tattered and torn. I feel shredded from the intense, overpowering things I hear and perceive. The fear takes the greatest toll on me.2152830075_5f4724b22e

I have missed an inordinate amount of time at work because I don’t want to sit in my cube talking to myself. I fear either being laughed at or making others uncomfortable with my weird behavior. I don’t want to damage other people’s perception of me as being anything other than a normal person, a good worker. I lie to my boss about my circumstances, claiming a family problem instead of a problem within myself.

A great sense of loss and grief overwhelm my sense of having lost myself. Those parts of me I used to know before late onset schizophrenia and psychosis changed who I am and how I live my life. Loneliness sets in as I feel separated not only from my emotions, but close friends because I simply cannot convey with appropriate emotion how I feel and all that I am perceiving.

There is a great sense of shame associated with not being able to control my thoughts and actions. There is great stigma associated with behavior that lies outside of the norm. People notice me talking to myself, I am certain, but I hope they perceive me as benign and see my circumstances with compassion instead of judgement befitting only of ridicule.

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