Working again

I am working again and all is going well, though I am not fully myself yet. My confidence, especially, has been hit hard and it shows in my actions. Timidity and nervousness are now my primary modes of operation and when my boss locks my co-horts and me in his office for the morning round table, there’s always panic attack in the wings.

My concentration levels are down as well. A full-time job in the technical field is demanding and it takes everything I have to make it through the work week. I come home exhausted and never seem to catch my second wind like I used to before the schizophrenia. Thus, I feel the latter part of my day is often wasted as I don’t have the motivation to do anything meaningful and it is too early to go to bed.

I enjoy mornings the most, when I can sit and focus. I spend the early hours reading or writing and working toward my goals.

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2 thoughts on “Working again

  1. I tried to work last year as a pharmaceutical engineer and couldn’t do it. I lost my contract and was hospitalized before the end of it. During work, I would get home and be in bed by 6:30 pm most days. I would sleep until 6:00 am on most days. I was drained.

    Prior to schizophrenia and comorbidities, I could easily operate on 5 hours of sleep. This disease is so destructive. I noticed that you said you hat “wallowing”. Sadly, I must live with myself and, in truth, I now hate what my “person” has become. In other words, I am a negative thinker because of the symptoms that I deal with on a second-by-second basis. Before my illness, I was very much a positive thinker and a real “go getter”. It is the latter, along with other symptoms, that really makes me a suicidal person. Just being honest.

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    • Oh, I most certainly hate my own wallowing, though I am not so quick to judge others. I, too, become negative when my symptoms overwhelm me. Not only is it the symptoms themselves, but also a sense of hopelessness that overcomes me. It’s my proclivity to be optimistic, so I think that also plays a role in the whole “not feeling well” dimension. Hang in there. Know you’re not alone.

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